What is Tonglen meditation? A guide to getting started
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Tonglen meditation can help turn suffering into love. Learn the four stages of this Tibetan practice and how to try it yourself with an easy step-by-step guide.
It’s probably safe to say that most of us are doing whatever we can to avoid suffering in our daily lives. If we can make it through the day and all of its endless responsibilities without a breakdown or crisis, we call it a win.
So it’s no surprise that a meditation practice where you actually sit with, and even breathe into, suffering may have you mentally running for the hills. But before you lace up those metaphorical sneakers, it’s worth noting just how beneficial this ancient practice can be.
Breathing in suffering during a Tonglen meditation practice can be a powerful way to cultivate compassion and help you connect more with others. It’s not about masochism or playing emotional superhero. It’s about turning toward pain—yours and others’—instead of slamming the door on it.
This technique can be a quiet rebellion against our culture of avoidance. When you’re able to gently lean into discomfort, it can make you feel more grounded and empathetic towards yourself and others. Win-win.
Here’s all you need to know about Tonglen meditation, including a step-by-step guide to practice it yourself.
What is Tonglen meditation?
Tonglen (pronounced tong-len) comes from Tibetan Buddhism, and it roughly translates to “giving and taking.” This meditation is about breathing in the pain of others and breathing out relief, love, or whatever warmth you’ve got to give.
On paper, it may sound offputing, which makes sense because moving towards pain can feel scary. But the idea isn’t that you become someone else’s suffering or that you absorb it like a human sponge. It’s that you bear witness to it, acknowledge it, and allow it to exist without immediately trying to fix, minimize, or run from it. And in doing so, something really interesting happens: you make space for healing. Not in a “suddenly everything’s fine” way, but in a “this pain feels a little less lonely” kind of way.
Tonglen can be practiced for anyone — your friend going through a breakup, a stranger on the news, or a whole community in crisis. And yes, it can be for you too. Especially for you. Because offering compassion to yourself isn’t self-indulgent; it’s necessary for survival.
Tonglen reminds you that the line between self and other is blurrier than you might think and that our shared suffering can also be a source of shared strength.
How to practice Tonglen meditation: a step-by-step guide
Now that you know the reasons why you may want to practice Tonglen, let’s talk about the how. Remember that there’s no one right way to do it, just the way that feels right (and safe) to you. So, go easy on yourself as you're learning something tender and new. Wherever you are, however you feel, start there.
Step 1: Settle into your body
Find a comfortable position. Sit or lie down in a way that feels stable but not in a way that might make it easy for you to fall asleep. Then close your eyes or just soften your gaze.
Next, take a few breaths and notice your inhale and exhale. This lets your nervous system know that you’re not in a rush.
💙 Try this Body Scan meditation with Jeff Warren if you’re having a little trouble settling into your body.
Step 2: Bring someone to mind
Start thinking of someone who’s struggling, like a friend, family member, or yourself. (If compassion doesn’t start with you, it’s likely going to burn out more quickly.) Consider starting with someone whose suffering isn’t too overwhelming to you.
Then, imagine the suffering they (or you) are feeling. Maybe it’s feeling lonely or being stretched too thin. This step is about tenderness.
Step 3: Inhale their pain
As you breathe in, picture taking in their struggle — like a dark mist, smoke, or cloud. This doesn’t have to be graphic or dramatic, just a symbol of discomfort.
Let this land in your heart, but try not to picture absorbing it. Instead, picture transforming it. Your heart, in this practice, is a kind of magical space. It doesn’t get poisoned by the pain, it uses love to change it into something else.
(Here are eight other ways to support yourself—or others—if you’re dealing with emotional pain.)
Step 4: Exhale relief
As you breathe out, picture sending out something kind, soothing, or healing like light, warmth, comfort, or a soft breeze. It can be whatever feels gentle and real to you.
Then imagine that offering going to the person, or yourself, and it wrapping around them like a comforting blanket. It’s like this image or energy is whispering: “You’re not alone. You’re held. You’re loved.”
Aim to do this for a few cycles. Inhale the pain and exhale compassion, but try not to put pressure on yourself to fix anything. You’re just sitting with the pain, witnessing it, and then offering it care.
💙 Consider listening to this session on Pain with Tamara Levitt if you want a little relief.
Step 5: Expand if it feels right
If you feel steady, you can also extend the practice to others. Start thinking of all the people out there feeling what you or your person is feeling: grief, shame, burnout, fear. Then breathe in their suffering and breathe out ease.
But if that feels like too much, come right back to the individual, or just take a break. There’s no need to overwhelm yourself.
(Here are six emotional resilience tips if you’re currently feeling overwhelmed.)
Step 6: Close gently
When you begin to feel complete, bring your attention back to your breath and back to your body. Then, bring it back to the room and take a few easy, grounding breaths.
You could even place a hand on your heart or your belly and whisper a little “thanks” to yourself for showing up, even if it felt awkward.
A sample script for Tonglen meditation
If you find yourself feeling a bit lost or confused during the practice or just want a little more support, this sample script is for you. You can read it out loud, whisper it in your head, or even record it in your own voice if that helps.
As you go through this, try as much as possible to go at your own pace. You can pause between lines or do whatever feels comfortable to you.
First, settle in and take a few easy breaths. Let your body fully arrive into this moment. Say to yourself:
I’m here. Just as I am. And that’s enough.
Now, gently bring someone to mind, like a friend who’s struggling or yourself. You don’t have to fix anything. Just hold them in your mind and say:
I see their pain. I feel my care for them. I’m here with them.
On your next inhale, imagine breathing in their suffering. You could picture a heavy mist, a smoky cloud, or just a weight in the chest. As you do this, try not to fight it, just let it be what it is and say:
Breathing in, I take in their pain with tenderness. I make space for it in my heart.
As you exhale, send out something soft like light, love, or relief. Imagine it moving toward them like a warm breeze or a calming glow. Say:
Breathing out, I send comfort. May they feel peace. May they feel held.
Now inhale again and receive the heaviness. It may feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable, but just notice that, and remind yourself that you’re doing something brave. Next, say:
Breathing in, I welcome this pain, not to suffer but to transform it with compassion.
Begin exhaling again, and releasing relief. You’re not fixing, just offering. Now, say:
Breathing out, I offer care. May there be ease. May there be love.
At this moment, if it feels right, picture all the others in the world feeling something similar. Widen your circle of care and say:
To everyone feeling this pain — I see you. I breathe for you. I offer you relief.
At the very end, take a few deep breaths and let go of the imagery. Slowly come back to your body and back to the present and say:
I’m still here. I did something kind. And that matters.
Tonglen meditation FAQs
What is the Tonglen meditation technique?
Tonglen is a compassion practice that teaches you to turn toward pain with an open heart instead of trying to dodge, numb, or outthink suffering. You can do this technique by using your breath and by visualizing inhaling suffering—like a cloud or mist—and exhaling relief and love.
This practice is about softening the boundaries between “me” and “you” and showing up with presence rather than avoidance.
Can you do Tonglen for yourself?
You can do Tonglen for yourself, and actually, starting with yourself can be one of the most powerful ways to practice. We tend to be way more generous with others than we are with ourselves, but self-directed Tonglen is like telling yourself that you see your pain and that you care.
It might feel awkward at first, especially if self-compassion isn’t your strong suit (these five tips can help), but with practice, it can become a way to stop abandoning yourself in tougher moments.
Plus, most of the time, the more compassionate you are to yourself, the more authentic and sustainable your compassion can be for others.
What is the difference between Tonglen and Loving-kindness meditation?
Loving-kindness meditation (or metta) is like sending well-wishes from your heart — it’s an expansive practice that radiates warmth. Tonglen, on the other hand, is a bit grittier. Instead of broadcasting positivity, you’re engaging directly with suffering and breathing it in. Then you send out relief.
If Loving-kindness is like lighting a candle for someone, Tonglen is like sitting beside them in the dark, offering your breath and presence. Both can be valuable, but Tonglen just gets a little closer to the pain.
What is the most powerful Buddhist meditation?
Different types of Buddhist meditations can be powerful in different ways to a whole range of people. It really depends on who you are.
Oftentimes, Tonglen is described as one of the most emotionally transformative practices in Tibetan Buddhism. It’s not flashy, and there are no mantras to memorize. Some people find Tonglen powerful because of its radical willingness to meet suffering head-on with courage, heart, and zero performance.
That said, Tonglen might not be the best fit for every moment, especially if you’re feeling raw or overwhelmed (try one of these 12 tips to find relief instead). But when you’re ready to meet pain with love instead of fear, it can be quietly revolutionary.
Is it normal to feel resistance to breathing in suffering?
It’s very normal and honestly expected to feel resistance to breathing in suffering. We’re built to dodge pain, not inhale it. So when Tonglen asks you to visualize taking in emotional heaviness, it can trigger all kinds of internal alarms like fear, tightness, and mental pushback.
To not overwhelm yourself when you’re first starting out, begin with smaller and less charged situations. Aim to stay grounded in your breath, and if something feels too intense, pull back. You can always shift your visualization or even start with something symbolic, like breathing in a color that represents discomfort rather than directly picturing someone’s pain.
Tonglen is about meeting pain with compassion in a way that feels sustainable and safe.
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